


A Heart's Requiem

by CrimsonAkane



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Euphemia if you squint, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23540158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonAkane/pseuds/CrimsonAkane
Summary: If only Lelouch wasn't who he was. If only Suzaku wasn't so blind. If Lelouch had made a move first before letting his love slip by...
Relationships: Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 12
Kudos: 55





	A Heart's Requiem

**Author's Note:**

> So I keep you at arm's length and let you go, but I don't wanna give you away. I know you love so hard, and it's killing me slowly. And now I can't eat, can't sleep, knowing that you're not lonely.  
> \- ‘Killing me Slowly’, Bad Wolves

Suzaku, he decided, had the personality of a golden retriever. Lelouch would never mean it in an insulting way, of course. His friend was steadfast, loyal, and protective; he had all the makings of a great knight. Exactly why Lelouch wanted him. He glanced up to where his friend sat on the floor, next to Nunnally who carded her slender fingers through Suzaku’s wavy, brown hair slowly. The sun was going down and Lelouch didn’t fail to notice how the window cast the fading light, bathing the soldier in a golden light. For all his bravado, Lelouch had to admit that Suzaku was beautiful.

That particular thought crossing his mind once again made something come alive inside his chest and threatened to burn him alive. Again.

He couldn’t do this here. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Even if it felt like the fluttering in his chest would destroy him, he would deny it.

Suzaku lifted his head from Nunnally’s leg as if he heard the unspoken words fly from Lelouch’s mouth. Leaf green eyes blinked sleepily over at him. “Lulu?” And Lelouch wondered if this was what dying felt like. The way Suzaku blinked at him, the soft set of his eyes, and the lazy half-smile threatened to do him in. Too soft, too kind, too… much. If only Suzaku knew the truth, would he still look at Lulu so gently? “Lelouch?” Suzaku prompted again.

“Hm? Sorry. Tired.” He forced a teasing smile onto his face.

“You got quiet,” Suzaku murmured, resting his cheek against Nunnally’s leg once more which made her smile, “I wanted to hear how the story ends.”

Lelouch hummed softly and leaned into the back of the couch, “You were basically asleep anyway.” He watched Nunnally card her fingers through Suzaku’s hair again gently; he didn’t miss the way his sister gravitated towards the knight naturally. Such was the charm of their soldier, their protector. If anyone could protect her in the end-- Maybe it was slightly selfish too. If only to keep Suzaku close. To keep him safe.

He buried that thought down and picked up the book again, the pages weathered and yellow with age. It was Nunnally’s favorite--  _ Alice in Wonderland _ . 

“I can’t believe you haven’t heard the story before, Suzaku,” Nunnally chuckled.

It felt like Lelouch’s heart stopped in his chest when Suzaku winked at him. “Well, never heard it from my two favorite people before. It’s like a whole new story.”

Sunset came and the sky turned inky black. Nunnally insisted Suzaku stay the night because  _ of course _ she did bless her heart. She was kind; but Lelouch wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep with Suzaku under their roof again. He was already having a hard enough time hiding from his friend… in multiple ways. What he never counted on, however, was Suzaku settling in Lelouch’s bed, curled in a ball closest to the window. How could he still make his mouth go dry bathed in silver? How could one man look good in silver and in gold? Lelouch decided that, simply, it wasn’t fair and moved on with his life instead of dwelling on the other thoughts invading his, usually, clear mind.

Lelouch knew he was doomed the minute Suzaku hummed, unfurled his long limbs, and welcomed him into bed like he had when they were kids.

It hadn’t been uncommon for Suzaku to steal into his room when they were kids at the Kururugi Shrine and keep him up talking for hours. It hadn’t been uncommon for them to curl up next to each other and fall asleep on the traditional Japanese sleeping mats. They were older now, he had to remind himself. Adults.  _ Friends _ . And Suzaku had… her. The woman he hadn’t told them about yet. He didn’t even have the name of the girl who stole Suzaku out from under him. Though to be fair… Suzaku looked happy. Every time he came to visit after seeing her, his step was lighter, his smile brighter. Lelouch was torn between loving her and hating her. The greedy parts of him wanted to be the one to make Suzaku glow like she did.

“Why are you in my bed?” He finally managed, remembering how to speak.

Suzaku just smiled that  _ fucking stupid _ smile at him and inched over slightly to make more room for him. Lelouch caved and crossed the room with what he hoped were graceful strides before sitting on the edge of his, now occupied, bed. Maybe for just one night he could pretend… What was the harm? With a sigh, Lelouch laid next to Suzaku and, once they settled face to face, he realized his mistake. Because now it was just them and Lelouch could notice all the little details of Suzaku’s face. Like the flecks of deep brown in his eyes like some enchanted forest and his tangerine lips, chapped, as if he had been worrying at his lower lip while thinking. Or the way Suzaku’s tired smile was lopsided, the right side of his mouth slightly lower than the left. He could almost count the faint freckles on his cheeks from being out in the sun too much and the way his wavy hair fell into his eyes like it needed a trim--

Lelouch frowned and Suzaku, watching him, reached a hand out to gently brush his fingertips against Lelouch’s knuckles as he had done so many times when they were little and Lelouch’s thoughts had gone somewhere dark.

How would Suzaku’s hands feel in hair? Would his lips taste sweet? How would Suzaku’s tongue feel against the pulse in his neck? How would his tongue feel in  _ other _ places?

Lelouch swallowed thickly and threaded his fingers through Suzaku’s, holding his hand gently. Friends held hands all the time. It didn’t need to mean anything. It  _ didn’t _ mean anything, he reminded himself as if that would quiet the thunder in his ears. The silence stretched between them, oddly comfortable considering the turmoil between Lelouch’s head and heart. Holding Suzaku’s calloused hand was delightful torture because he knew that, tomorrow, this same hand could be holding a hand just as delicate as his own. Maybe she had perfectly manicured hands, soft, supple and not tainted. Not bloodied like his own. Maybe she would laugh and kiss his cheek as they walked, lean into him the way Lelouch craved when they walked together through the garden with Nunnally earlier.

Silence finally broken, Suzaku drew a quiet breath as he squeezed Lelouch’s hand. “I think I love her,” he admitted softly. Suzaku didn’t even realize the break he caused. He was so innocent; a boy confiding to his best friend about a love affair. It took everything for Lelouch to plaster a soft smile on his face in response, hoping that his face looked joyful instead of completely and utterly  _ wrecked. _

“Nunnally?” He made himself tease, made it sound real enough.

“Of course,” Suzaku’s reply was easy, quick. True. “I’ll always love Nunnally.”

“If you’re looking for a blessing--

“But I think--”

They stumbled over each other, each trying to speak first. Lelouch wanted it first, he wanted to keep Suzaku’s attention on him, the feel of their fingers threaded together, the lack of space between them wrapped in Lelouch’s blankets in the safety of his bed. In a moment of weakness, he wanted to beg Suzaku to forget the woman in his heart. He wanted to plead for his kisses, his touch, his love… “Sorry,” he made himself laugh, “go on.”

Suzaku was quiet, looking at Lelouch with a quiet resolve as if he was organizing his thoughts before speaking again. Finally, “She’s really sweet. She’s… perfect. She makes me so  _ happy _ , Lulu.”

That was the moment Lelouch started picking up the shattered pieces of what remained of his heart. What he wanted to do was throw a tantrum, yell at Suzaku and demand answers as to why he wouldn’t pick him and all the stupid, lovesick butterflies that his stupid smile caused and--

Lelouch smiled instead, composed his face behind a mask of genuine joy that for his friend and his stupid confession. “Do I get to be your best man?” The words tasted like poison in his mouth and he wanted to throw up the moment he formed them on his tongue. The bed he knew was beneath them felt like glass digging into his side, Suzaku’s hand in his suddenly burned like a brand. Instead of giving in to his meltdown, he laid completely still as Suzaku nuzzled him, sighed at the faint touch of Suzaku’s lips to his skin. The real question he wanted to ask was simple and yet so painful. All he wanted to know was why Suzaku wouldn’t pick him, why he wouldn’t notice these emotions that consumed Lelouch every time he was around. What power did Suzaku wield so well to bring Lelouch to his knees like this? If his enemies could channel Suzaku’s charm into a weapon, The Black Knights would be screwed because Zero wouldn’t be able to think. This was the danger Lelouch put himself in with this ridiculous love locked in his chest; Suzaku, so oblivious, didn’t even know.

Seeing Suzaku love someone else so fiercely… This, eventually, would kill him. Slowly, quietly, when he came home to the stillness of his home and was trapped alone with his thoughts. Suzaku loving someone else, Suzaku marrying someone else, Suzaku’s family--

“Lelouch?” The gentle stroke of Suzaku’s thumb across his knuckles brought him crashing back to reality.

“Sorry, I’m…” he heard his voice trail.

“I know,” Suzaku murmured, “you’re tired.”

Lelouch finally dropped Suzaku’s hand, unable to stand the feel of it and the desires it brought with it. Things he would never have, things he didn’t deserve. But Suzaku, bless his unintentionally wicked heart, wrapped an arm around Lelouch and snuggled him close in a way that only years of intimacy could bring. As much as he wanted to fight against him, push him away, turn his back, Lelouch nuzzled into his solid sternum and closed his eyes tightly. He felt Suzaku’s fingers card through his hair for a moment before resting at the curve of his skull, holding him close. “You know you would be my best man, right? I’ll always want it to be you.”

Not the words he wanted to hear. Sweet none the less. Terrible promises to soothe the ache in his chest that threaten to tear him open.

“I’ll be there,” Lelouch murmured, voice sounding robotic even to his ears, “just say the word and I’ll be there.”

“Promise?” Suzaku whispered,

“Of course.” Lelouch managed a nod, made himself follow-through, A pause. Then... “I love you Suzaku. I’ll always be there for you.” He felt Suzaku smile against his forehead, his breath warm against his skin. Then the sweetest words spoke, in the completely wrong context and Lelouch understood what CC meant when she told him she wanted her name murmured in a genuine manner because anything else felt like a hot blade against the skin. 

“I love you too Lelouch.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm always late to the fandom party. I love these two idiots okay?


End file.
